I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
