I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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