just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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