don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
