Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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