no, he came in my armpit
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
