thus making me awesome and them whores
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
