You really coming over, don't trick.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
