Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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