Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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