Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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