just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
