Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
