I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
