Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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