i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
did i just pee glitter
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
