The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize