I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
