its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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