dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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