we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
