He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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