a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
