Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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