theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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