Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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