He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
