it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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