I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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