dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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