Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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