where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Hippo gnu deer
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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