dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
