Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
