bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
