I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
