it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
