I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
They are going to name an STD after you.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
