I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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