I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
