that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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