So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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