In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Randomize