The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
