Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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