he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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