I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
