somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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