Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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