Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
