I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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