So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
