i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
