Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
