My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
