You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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