My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize