the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You had me at "let me see your balls"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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